One of the reasons for sexual conflict in marriage is the fact that a partner tend to use sex as a weapon, although sometimes unknowingly.

Although arguments are not desirable, they sometimes occur and when they do, they leave both parties disturbed and sour. For a woman, arguments affect her emotions and she gets disturbed and when her husband says “I love you”, she wonders, “Do you really love me?” because she feels a man who professes to love her should not have said or done things to her the way he did. She gets personal and her reaction is, “Don't touch me”. But the man, pressed for sex is surprised and wonders why the little argument should result in this attitude, so he gets angry. At this point, if care is not taken, the man begins to keep malice. Men are not quick to talk, but desire to talk as much as women.

I once counselled with a much older couple in their mid-sixties. The woman had come to me very angry and concluded she was being pushed to the wall and could end up doing something drastic. Somehow, I asked about her sexual life and her reply was, “Sexual life? With all those younger girls he's having affairs with? I have told him never - not me. I will never sleep with him again.” Well, I encouraged her to start solving the problem by sleeping with her husband that night. Of course she refused but I later called her up in the evening to tell her I was serious about my advice. We spoke for a little and she hung up.  The next day her husband came to see me and asked if I had spoken to his wife the previous day.  I affirmed that I did and he told me his own side of the story. We spoke at length and I counselled with him from the Bible. As he left he thanked me, saying, “Please always talk to them on our behalf. These women need to be talked to”. Of course I eventually spoke to his wife, and when I asked of her husband's reaction after their meeting, she retorted, “Don't mind him, that's all he knows.”

So communication is very essential in solving conflicts no matter the kind of conflict. But sometimes communication may not necessarily be verbal. When a man is sexually satisfied, he automatically becomes considerate.

Now, there are times when the reverse is the case and it is the women who complain about their husbands' neglect while an advance from other men continually mounts pressures. To this, I would like to say this is not right and we should never allow things to go this far. The Bible says that the marriage bed must be kept undefiled. Here again, it is because we have this wrong notion that 'I own myself and my wife or husband'. The truth is you are a steward of all you possess.

Nothing belongs to you solely. From the day you got married, your body belongs to your spouse and he/she has every right to make a demand on it. When you deny each other, you invite the devil to destroy what God has wonderfully established. As Christians, this is one area we need to pay close attention to.

Some people run away with the excuse that they are fasting but do you fast forever? It is unscriptural. The Bible clearly states that fasting has to be done with mutual consent. So if I want to fast and my wife insists on having the pleasure of sex, then I will have no choice than to meet her needs which invariably may mean calling off the fast for that moment or day. I will satisfy her and go back to my fasting.

Once at a men's meeting a Pastor commented that if you had been fasting for some twenty days or more in preparation for a great crusade in a territory that is considered hostile and dangerous and a day before this great event your wife asked you to make love to her, then she is an agent of the devil sent to distract you from accomplishing great things for God at the crusade and he advised that you turn away from her immediately and resist her.  In response, I told him he was uninformed. What I would do in that circumstance is to satisfy that marriage need and go back to my Bible. The Bible says if she is not in agreement, my prayer and fasting is hindered so what's the point? The bottom line therefore is dialogue. 

Again, women are sometimes shy and would prefer to get through the act without speaking. But the truth is the fun begins from the talking. A man should learn to tell his wife in very explicit terms too, what he likes about her body features. Don't wait for other men to tell her. When other men compliment women while the husbands don't, they think you don't notice or appreciate them. Remember, the woman likes and enjoys attention. You give her the attention and don't let other men do it. Take care of your own orchard. That's the Bible.