Conflict is an integral part of life. It is not limited to any age, location or social status. Simply defined, conflict is a clash of feelings or interests. It is therefore important that, instead of pretending it does not exist in marriage, we identify it promptly every time it rears its head and deal with it squarely.
When God looked at man and said, “It is not good that man should be alone,” it is obvious that He did not intend that man would be able to accomplish everything alone. He intended that man’s achievements would be the result of a partnership. And He definitely had the family in mind as the springboard for this partnership. That was why what He made for man was ‘a help comparable to him’. In practical terms, it means someone he could relate with, someone with whom he could have a meaningful relationship.
So the least the man can do is appreciate this precious gift from God. Remember, when the man woke up from sleep and saw the woman, the first thing he did was to speak. Thus, communication is the life of every relationship.
If the man did not speak, the woman would never have known anything about him and herself. She would never have known what he felt about her. The truth is, women respond more to words than what they see. The woman could therefore respond only as the man spoke.
If anything will make you to stop communicating, it is the devil because he is always out to attack your relationship. That is why he would create a gap between you and your wife and make it difficult or impossible for you to communicate meaningfully and settle your differences.
So no matter how angry or offended you are, keep the communication line open. Do not encourage malice in your relationship. The more you talk, the more you define the problem and the easier it becomes to solve it. To stop communicating is to give the devil a foothold.
By the way, how did Adam get to know the heart of God? The Bible says that when it was only Adam in the Garden of Eden, God would come down in the cool of the day and fellowship with him. At the heart of relationship therefore is fellowship, and at the heart of fellowship is communication.
Many a man will say, “I do not understand my wife!” You are probably not talking enough. And what you say is very important.
When your spouse constantly puts up a confrontational attitude, she is probably trying to tell you that she is feeling shortchanged in the relationship. All the man thinks is that the woman is becoming impossible, but all she may be telling you is that she needs more of you. If only you will interpret her actions properly, you will be able to calm her nerves and avoid a major conflict. Even when she is wrong, you will find a way of reaching out to her.
The truth is, most men will rather adopt the silent treatment (malice) in a bid to keep her quiet, but that does not solve any problem. In fact, it often aggravates issues. You may not buy her thoughts, but you owe her a responsibility to always hear her out. When you try to shut her up, she recoils into herself and feels she cannot trust you anymore. She becomes afraid of you. You may feel you have won the battle, but it is like ignited dynamite; it will invariably explode.
Now, there will always be differences in every marital relationship. That is because you are two different people who have become one. Even in your union, you are still two human beings with different personalities and idiosyncrasies. You have different backgrounds and sometimes cultures. So there will necessarily be disagreements emanating from your differences. The wise thing to do is to avoid arguments as much as possible. Just as communication gives life to your relationship, arguments sniff life out of relationships altogether.
Usually, it is when we allow our differences and disagreements to lapse into arguments that conflicts ensue. And the problem with arguments is always such that somebody must win. But the truth is, in a marriage setting nobody wins an argument. It should be either a win-win or a no-win situation.
To effectively avoid or resolve conflicts:
- Agree with your spouse that your marriage must work. Too many handle their marriages as if they have other options. But marriage, much more than being a contract, is a covenant. So treat your marriage as one.
- Do not try to change your spouse. And this is one fatal mistake a lot of couples make: they want to change their spouse at all cost. The truth is, the only one you can change is yourself; you can only pray to God to change your spouse. And besides, any attempt to change another is often drastically resisted.
- Agree on a standard of authority in your relationship. As a Christian, the only standard of authority you can have is the Word of God. If you can find it in the Word, there should be a commitment to obey it.
- Make a decision to love. The Bible, our final authority, enjoins the man to love his wife unconditionally. Love is a decision; it is an act of the will. With love, even major issues become non-issues.
- Maintain a positive attitude. A lot of us come into marriage with misconceptions based on what we have heard or the experiences of others. The right thing to do is to take only the positive from what you have heard or seen and reject the negative. What you must understand is that no two marriages are the same. Your marriage is unique; it will work even where others fail.
- Appreciate what you have. Conflicts often escalate because we do not appreciate our relationships. Your wife is God’s precious gift to you; see her as such and appreciate her accordingly.
Now, it takes one committed person to resolve most marital conflicts. Why not make a decision to be that person? God will give you the grace, in Jesus’ name. |
